Red Flag One

I never examined my thoughts or emotions before, never once stopping to think to myself what on earth is going on here?; simply because it never occurred to me to do so, or I could not put a name or label to them, or just took reality (the world according to this wonderful creature) for granted.

I remember being stunned (inwardly, mind, never showing the obvious) the first time friends and/or acquaintances commented on my state: “You’re the most upbeat, least angry person I know. You’re always smiling and happy! You take shit day after day with a pinch of salt..tell me, how do you do that? I NEED to know!” I’m not sure whether they meant I was a nice person, but inwardly cunning and contriving revenge for some perceived slight; a door mat or just off with the fairies. I got sick of hearing it after a while and took it as a sign of weakness, meant to be or not. WHAT? Is this really what I project outwardly? If so, I have missed my calling then – I would have been a great actress.

Emotions (cringe-worthy word, I prefer to use “baggage” instead) exist only in ones head. Therefore, my perception is they are just imaginary fluttery notions that evade any grasp should anyone bother to try. They didn’t really exist in my world for the most part. Instead, I find them to be more of a sort of fantasy played out in the mind, and has nothing to do with real life. I know everyone does it. Well I don’t know as in first hand knowledge know, but everyone does, trust me.

In brief moments of clarity, I do realise – perception IS life itself. I had been purposely playing the film backwards, inside out, and any other way imaginable other than the correct way a film is to be seen (Is there a “correct” way? I think not). There was me, trudging through my own cinematic filtered world. I would look at those people who said those things like they had two heads, smile and say “I don’t have a choice, do I?” and inside, I really did believe that. I still do, to a point. I am so grateful that they could not hear what was being said in my head …like a broken record sometimes: My God, they don’t have a clue who I am, and thank God they can’t see my hot mess (jumping in triumph and bewilderment). It does get easier and easier to shut off emotions (whatever they may be named), memories and yes! even people, completely. Practice, practice, and even more practice! I can now achieve this state instantly if needed. This art form of mine can work well for a few days, months, even years. However, there will always come a time at some point or other where the door comes slightly ajar as the hinges and locks start to rust. And every once in a while, albeit seldom, Ms Ice Queen’s soul will leak out of the corner of her lovely green eyes.

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